let me preface by saying it's been a relief switching from the hospital to the birthing center. they don't search for something wrong with me. they didn't even consider my CF to place me as high risk. meanwhile the hospital was starting to suggest me to have an appointment with the anesthesiologist. i could not apply for medicaid through the hospital whereas within a month my son and i are both medicaid insured through the birthing center. also they appointed me a therapist for the remainder of the pregnancy through a grant (free of charge) which i needed.
with that said there's a couple of the midwives i feel judged by. at my first birthing center appointment it was days after i returned home when my family told my father about my pregnancy. i was a mess as the midwife asked me to tell her my pregnancy story and even my sexual history. she even flat out asked me why i had slept with so many people and how i'm lucky to have no stds. is that weird? i'm 27 and i'll just say i've slept with less than 20 men in my life. i've know women who already doubled my count at a younger age as much as i know women who can count the amount of people they slept with on one hand. so needless to say she insisted i'd be drug tested.
this is where i could get a lot of criticism if my blog had a following. this is my getting everything off my chest and maybe someone in a similar situation can know they are not alone. i certainly do feel alone. my situation seems sort of unprecedented as i seek advice i cannot find.
i know the results of the test. i could've told her the truth and not to waste their time but i felt so judged. the first half of my pregnancy i puffed on some grass. not everyday. not massive quantities the times i did but i did. i did not take any other kinds of drugs, not even a sip of alcohol. i actually enjoy the high perspective. sans baby bump i could get paranoid after smoking but it was assuring when i did not freak out about having a child. in fact the realization was ethereal every time. i did research the effects of marijuana during pregnancy. most american websites did nothing but try to install fear without any substance. i did find one study which said women in a different culture smoked regularly and seemed to birth children who were more engaged and aware at an early age. there was plenty of comments on forums on babycenter. lots of women opened up saying they did smoke and their children were fine. lately women are taking a stand in drinking a glass of wine or two a week. there's a well known fetal alcohol syndrome which completely turned me off from wanting a drop. on top of the fact that alcohol had more negatives effects on me than weed did even when i was not pregnant. anyway, i failed the drug test which resulted in me being "risked out" and to give birth in a hospital.
shortly after the test i stopped smoking altogether. my baby's brain is growing so much every day as well as every part of his body systems and i want him as clean and healthy as can be. when the test results came back i also tested positive for morphine. it was a wake up call. all weed is laced and you never know what else you're smoking. on top of giving my baby the healthiest last 4 months i can give him i also feared they would take him away. they informed me i would be tested randomly again and i do not want to take any chances.
you know women make their own choices and sometimes i feel like a pregnant women eating at mcdonald's five days a week is worst than me getting a little high every now and then.. just saying.
so the midwife who decided to give me the drug test totally judges me on things even other than smoking. then the midwife who checked me yesterday would not tell me my son's heart rate. isn't that strange? it really bothered me. as she was adding his information into the system she noticed he was healthy and said is aloud and i'm pretty sure she typed in 150 for his heart rate but sometimes i wonder why they chose this career path with that sort of behavior.
i read Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin. it was amazing. i suggest every pregnant women to read it. especially if you are feeling uncertain and scared, read a couple of pages and it'll boost your confidence. out of all the thing i took from the book i remember her passage about choosing a midwife. she notes if a midwife is making you feel judge that you should keep on looking. the thing is i am 'allowed' to continue my follow ups at the birthing center and during labor a midwife, whoever is on duty, will come to the hospital to attend the birth. i'm wondering if i should voice my concern to the one midwife (who told me my drug test results) who i felt comfortable with. there's only two or three midwives who are able to go into the hospital with me and what if it's the one who made me feel the most judged? just something that's been running through my head. reading a Guide to Childbirth reinstated the importance of feeling comfortable and trusting those who are there during the birth.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
life of wy
i'm 27 weeks on sunday. heading to the last stage of pregnancy. wild i've been pregnant for a half a year... and there's three more months to go.
i gained thirty pound thus far and i'm hoping not to get any bigger by cutting out ice cream and brownies. i'm hoping he does more growing than i do this last semester.
the areas i grew the most is around my birthing center (belly, thighs, ass). i've been using a stretch mark cream but neglected to use them on my thighs. stretch marks appeared on them a couple of days ago.
i was working out 5 days a week up until my 23rd week. i used tracy anderson's pregnancy workout which i recommend. but i became too exhausted from it and i decided i need to reserve my energy. for the first two semesters i was sleeping no more than 8 hours a night, waking up earlier than ever. maybe it has something to do with the time change but now i'm sleeping for 10 hours a night. times like these i'm happy my job fired me halfway through my pregnancy.
my boyfriend and i watched life of pi last night. by the end i got a stomach-ache and i wasn't sure if it was because of the reveal at the end or some timing but it was too much for me. i got pretty emotional waiting for the stomach pain to pass. asking him how i could i give birth if i can't handle this mild stomach pain and so on and so forth. he totally reassured me and i believed everything he said. if that's any sign of what we'll be like in labor i'm looking forward to it.
however these last three months coinciding with allergy season is making me a bit nervous. heck, i'm concerned about everything regarding my baby and i. i had a dream i started my period while still pregnant and it kept me up for two hours. then i woke up last night wondering if i smushed my baby and waited for him to make a move (didn't take long) until i fell asleep again. i keep on wondering if he is active enough and how long does a baby sleep in the womb per day. he's a great baby and all i want to do is safely bring him to life and be blessed to take care of him.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
up dating
when i found out we're having a boy i immediately started speaking about another child. just a week ago i was discussing when i would try having a girl - when the boy is out of diapers! lately i've been wondering how different pregnancy could be when i could flaunt my belly and the fact that i am. when everyone would celebrate but it's hard to even fathom. maybe all of this is a good distraction from any dragging symptoms... maybe
my father tried kicking me out exactly a week ago. it wasn't pretty and there were a few times where i felt the need to lock myself in the bathroom. i remember the last words of our previous conversation was me thanking him for not kicking me out. he claimed i said i'd be out by march 1st which was two weeks away. his delusions definitely freak me out.
i feel for my mother. before my father knew she was convincing me to stay and even move with them to california. she wanted to keep me and my son. she wanted to tell me i had not to worry about cribs and strollers. we both got sideswiped by the reaction of my dad. she came to me the next day saying i don't need to rush to move out. that he is now staying out of it. the damage was done though. i didn't feel comfortable being home. i didn't feel comfortable having my protruding belly be the cause of everyone's turmoil. i felt like it was an A sewed to my clothes.
the thing is i didn't mean to hurt anybody when i decided to keep my child. it was barely a decision. i didn't want to hurt an unborn child, my unborn child. i did not mean to make my family unhappy with that choice. even though i'm still home i never planned to put the responsibility on anyone besides me and the father.
so as the pressure was becoming more evident i passed on the urgency to my boyfriend. he did say we can move when we get our tax returns but until this weekend i didn't realize how much we had to wait for our tax returns until i saw his account summary on an atm. him being a single dad makes things complicated. i've been staying at his place more often ever since the incident with my father. of course i pitch in to take care of his son, willingly. i love his son. however i don't feel comfortable watching him all day while Brian works. so eventually i do send him to he babysitter. maybe if the weather was warmer. maybe if i was thirty pounds heavier i'd be less frightened that i may not be able to chase him down if need be. but that isn't the most frustrating part.
he has his own mother. who hasn't taken him in weeks. who lives a few blocks away. who has no job. nothing to do but the pills she smokes which seems to outweigh the ease and simple access she has to see her son everyday. the more days straight i spend with my boyfriend and their son the more i am exposed to the amount of communication she has with my boyfriend. she called twice on valentine's night. texting him as well to please call, that it's important. when he went to work i took care of getting his son ready for the babysitter which helps Brian out so he can actually get his breakfast and coffee in the morning. i realized by looking through his phone that's when he messaged her asking what was so important while she followed it up by why don't you call me when you have time. all of that to get him on the phone to ask if she left headphones in the baby bag. more than anything i wish he took that moment to tell her never to waste his time and only get him on the phone when she's taking their son and hung up. i'm sure he did say something along those lines but not in a firm and absolute way at all.
then ya know it goes on all weekend. he calls her to get their son's ssn but tries to leave that part out of the story when i was watching their son when he went to get his tax returns. then sunday when he wanted to work and i said i would watch his son while he did. i left his house to take a shower and came back before he left only to look at his phone and find out this baby mama stopped by hours earlier. it bothers me she does what she wants and none of it has to do with their son. she stopped by to bring his mother's laundry but ya know his mother wears the same pajamas everyday she could've held onto them until she picked up her son.. ya know two birds one stone. i know she's playing a game. i know he doesn't give a shit but i do. she is forgetting her role and creeping back to the time where she'd call him on weekend nights for no reason and she needs to be put in her place.
but what a nuisance for when i have my son. am i going to be run down with two boys while she's texting my boyfriend to call her because she forgot he wig in a stroller six months ago?
anyway the depth of complications is pretty absurd and i nearly half to laugh about it. my father went to california two days ago so i can be home and feel like laughing at all of this is heaven to me. i have slept so much in the past 24 hours i had no idea i restless i was. i am too appreciative of the limited time i have to walk around this house showing while my mother and i talk about what to cook tonight. where i can fully take care of myself because i'm carrying my son.
my father tried kicking me out exactly a week ago. it wasn't pretty and there were a few times where i felt the need to lock myself in the bathroom. i remember the last words of our previous conversation was me thanking him for not kicking me out. he claimed i said i'd be out by march 1st which was two weeks away. his delusions definitely freak me out.
i feel for my mother. before my father knew she was convincing me to stay and even move with them to california. she wanted to keep me and my son. she wanted to tell me i had not to worry about cribs and strollers. we both got sideswiped by the reaction of my dad. she came to me the next day saying i don't need to rush to move out. that he is now staying out of it. the damage was done though. i didn't feel comfortable being home. i didn't feel comfortable having my protruding belly be the cause of everyone's turmoil. i felt like it was an A sewed to my clothes.
the thing is i didn't mean to hurt anybody when i decided to keep my child. it was barely a decision. i didn't want to hurt an unborn child, my unborn child. i did not mean to make my family unhappy with that choice. even though i'm still home i never planned to put the responsibility on anyone besides me and the father.
so as the pressure was becoming more evident i passed on the urgency to my boyfriend. he did say we can move when we get our tax returns but until this weekend i didn't realize how much we had to wait for our tax returns until i saw his account summary on an atm. him being a single dad makes things complicated. i've been staying at his place more often ever since the incident with my father. of course i pitch in to take care of his son, willingly. i love his son. however i don't feel comfortable watching him all day while Brian works. so eventually i do send him to he babysitter. maybe if the weather was warmer. maybe if i was thirty pounds heavier i'd be less frightened that i may not be able to chase him down if need be. but that isn't the most frustrating part.
he has his own mother. who hasn't taken him in weeks. who lives a few blocks away. who has no job. nothing to do but the pills she smokes which seems to outweigh the ease and simple access she has to see her son everyday. the more days straight i spend with my boyfriend and their son the more i am exposed to the amount of communication she has with my boyfriend. she called twice on valentine's night. texting him as well to please call, that it's important. when he went to work i took care of getting his son ready for the babysitter which helps Brian out so he can actually get his breakfast and coffee in the morning. i realized by looking through his phone that's when he messaged her asking what was so important while she followed it up by why don't you call me when you have time. all of that to get him on the phone to ask if she left headphones in the baby bag. more than anything i wish he took that moment to tell her never to waste his time and only get him on the phone when she's taking their son and hung up. i'm sure he did say something along those lines but not in a firm and absolute way at all.
then ya know it goes on all weekend. he calls her to get their son's ssn but tries to leave that part out of the story when i was watching their son when he went to get his tax returns. then sunday when he wanted to work and i said i would watch his son while he did. i left his house to take a shower and came back before he left only to look at his phone and find out this baby mama stopped by hours earlier. it bothers me she does what she wants and none of it has to do with their son. she stopped by to bring his mother's laundry but ya know his mother wears the same pajamas everyday she could've held onto them until she picked up her son.. ya know two birds one stone. i know she's playing a game. i know he doesn't give a shit but i do. she is forgetting her role and creeping back to the time where she'd call him on weekend nights for no reason and she needs to be put in her place.
but what a nuisance for when i have my son. am i going to be run down with two boys while she's texting my boyfriend to call her because she forgot he wig in a stroller six months ago?
anyway the depth of complications is pretty absurd and i nearly half to laugh about it. my father went to california two days ago so i can be home and feel like laughing at all of this is heaven to me. i have slept so much in the past 24 hours i had no idea i restless i was. i am too appreciative of the limited time i have to walk around this house showing while my mother and i talk about what to cook tonight. where i can fully take care of myself because i'm carrying my son.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
stages
after a couple of nights away i'm back home. i'll spare myself from reliving the details but there was a talk and the important part is i'm not kicked out. however, i'm to humor them to look into adoption. why adoption? because life is gonna be hard and money will be tight. my parents have made me re-evaluate my decision and i come to the same conclusion.
the intensity of my situation and the changes (moving out) i need to make probably is the main cause of the stages of realization i have about having a son.
first it was actually peeing on that stick. then taking prenatal vitamins. googling what food not to eat. next was being attentive to my growling stomach instead of telling it to be quiet. by new years is was my resolution to juice everyday. this month was about staying in shape after realizing the effects of gaining twenty pounds.
but today, playing some nico/velvet underground i think i woke up the little man. he's bumping around in the womb. this is the realization i'm bringing a boy into brooklyn. what does that mean? to me, i realize why i want to stay in my neighborhood. when you walk out your door it's quiet. within 100 feet we're on the bay with the ducks this season. next season will be the fiddler crabs and snails. i've found peace in places i couldn't do elsewhere in this city.
i want to be a good mom so badly. i want to rediscover my imagination with my child. i want him to understand the wrongness in the way humanity runs the world but find out there's beauty everywhere. i want him to be fascinated with creation and the earth and less with girls... let them flock to him (ugh my heart just dropped). i want him to be nice to girls and feel the urge to stick up for people instead of bully them. these qualities have a lot to do with how i raise my child. i know there is going to be so many moments i'll be lost at how to handle a situation but i know there will be tons of silly moments, tons of tiny adventures.
my son has already made me a better, stronger person. i must do the same for him.
the intensity of my situation and the changes (moving out) i need to make probably is the main cause of the stages of realization i have about having a son.
first it was actually peeing on that stick. then taking prenatal vitamins. googling what food not to eat. next was being attentive to my growling stomach instead of telling it to be quiet. by new years is was my resolution to juice everyday. this month was about staying in shape after realizing the effects of gaining twenty pounds.
but today, playing some nico/velvet underground i think i woke up the little man. he's bumping around in the womb. this is the realization i'm bringing a boy into brooklyn. what does that mean? to me, i realize why i want to stay in my neighborhood. when you walk out your door it's quiet. within 100 feet we're on the bay with the ducks this season. next season will be the fiddler crabs and snails. i've found peace in places i couldn't do elsewhere in this city.
i want to be a good mom so badly. i want to rediscover my imagination with my child. i want him to understand the wrongness in the way humanity runs the world but find out there's beauty everywhere. i want him to be fascinated with creation and the earth and less with girls... let them flock to him (ugh my heart just dropped). i want him to be nice to girls and feel the urge to stick up for people instead of bully them. these qualities have a lot to do with how i raise my child. i know there is going to be so many moments i'll be lost at how to handle a situation but i know there will be tons of silly moments, tons of tiny adventures.
my son has already made me a better, stronger person. i must do the same for him.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
do you want to be a mom?
while telling my cousin, who's back from brazil and living with us for his spring semester, asked me a question.
do you want to be a mom?
regarding motherhood, most women i hear say "i want a baby" or "i want children". rarely, if ever, did i hear 'i want to be a mom'... maybe once but certainly the minority.
i've known and felt a duty as a woman to procreate. i feel really strongly about it, especially if you're a kind, wonderful capable woman it almost feel inhuman not to have a child.
however, i bet i would've avoided it as long as possible only because of my avoidance of relationships. or because i wanted badly to be financially independent and stable. i wanted to be detached from my parents, i wanted to do it in order of how my parents wanted it.
maybe that was never going to happen... well in fact it's not how my life wanted it to go. and i could easily feel like i've failed my parents and whenever my mother emails me regarding abortion or when she put a piece of paper with a contact number for open adoption in my face yesterday it hurts. it hurts my own mother makes me feel like i can't.
what's the saying... money isn't everything? what i lack in money does not correlate to any lack in my ability to give my son everything he needs.
and you know, it's none of her business either. i never asked for her opinion or even her help. for my own parent to doubt me and shove her decision in my face is... is what? i don't even know the word. to be a devil's advocate and say she just wants what best is neglecting a thought process on what is best tailored to who i am. my own mother, who decided to only ever be a mother is being a complete disgrace and drag doubting me while i have been making every proactive measure to bring this boy into the world and healthy.
my father has yet to know. she warned me of his homecoming on saturday with the insinuation she will tell him. i'm terrified. my father knowing potentially puts me and my unborn son in danger. i'm planning to live at a relatives until further notice. it's completely unfortunate and inconvenient because i have important documents coming in the mail as well as future doctor appointments. most of all, the guilt and shame i may get from both side and doubly so.
i can so easily feel everything is wrong and my fault. for example, today following up on why i haven't gotten paid for the vacation days i did not take. even though it was a mistake on their part i felt like a nagger. those vacation days should have put included two paychecks ago but i felt like i shouldn't bother them and to 'suck it up' so to speak.
i'm sensitive. i'm 21 weeks pregnant and crying seems to come easier than ever. i love my son so much. so much so i'm doing my best to build a brick wall against of the potential stress of everything. but when i'm asking a relative to stay for awhile i need an explanation and it's a story i get emotional to share. when i am taking actions relocating for an indefinite amount of time reveals the seriousness that i have to for safety's sake. i keep on wondering who do i speak to for advice. i keep thinking i need some counseling. the only solace i have is today it's warm and beautiful and the sun glaring on me while walking my dog in the weeds, reminding me to take a deep breath.
do you want to be a mom?
regarding motherhood, most women i hear say "i want a baby" or "i want children". rarely, if ever, did i hear 'i want to be a mom'... maybe once but certainly the minority.
i've known and felt a duty as a woman to procreate. i feel really strongly about it, especially if you're a kind, wonderful capable woman it almost feel inhuman not to have a child.
however, i bet i would've avoided it as long as possible only because of my avoidance of relationships. or because i wanted badly to be financially independent and stable. i wanted to be detached from my parents, i wanted to do it in order of how my parents wanted it.
maybe that was never going to happen... well in fact it's not how my life wanted it to go. and i could easily feel like i've failed my parents and whenever my mother emails me regarding abortion or when she put a piece of paper with a contact number for open adoption in my face yesterday it hurts. it hurts my own mother makes me feel like i can't.
what's the saying... money isn't everything? what i lack in money does not correlate to any lack in my ability to give my son everything he needs.
and you know, it's none of her business either. i never asked for her opinion or even her help. for my own parent to doubt me and shove her decision in my face is... is what? i don't even know the word. to be a devil's advocate and say she just wants what best is neglecting a thought process on what is best tailored to who i am. my own mother, who decided to only ever be a mother is being a complete disgrace and drag doubting me while i have been making every proactive measure to bring this boy into the world and healthy.
my father has yet to know. she warned me of his homecoming on saturday with the insinuation she will tell him. i'm terrified. my father knowing potentially puts me and my unborn son in danger. i'm planning to live at a relatives until further notice. it's completely unfortunate and inconvenient because i have important documents coming in the mail as well as future doctor appointments. most of all, the guilt and shame i may get from both side and doubly so.
i can so easily feel everything is wrong and my fault. for example, today following up on why i haven't gotten paid for the vacation days i did not take. even though it was a mistake on their part i felt like a nagger. those vacation days should have put included two paychecks ago but i felt like i shouldn't bother them and to 'suck it up' so to speak.
i'm sensitive. i'm 21 weeks pregnant and crying seems to come easier than ever. i love my son so much. so much so i'm doing my best to build a brick wall against of the potential stress of everything. but when i'm asking a relative to stay for awhile i need an explanation and it's a story i get emotional to share. when i am taking actions relocating for an indefinite amount of time reveals the seriousness that i have to for safety's sake. i keep on wondering who do i speak to for advice. i keep thinking i need some counseling. the only solace i have is today it's warm and beautiful and the sun glaring on me while walking my dog in the weeds, reminding me to take a deep breath.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
lesson in fear
my boyfriend (Brian) and i went to a birthing center orientation last night. when he woke up for work i couldn't help staying up as well. it feels right to want to go through labor freely among women who are all mothers but i hesitant for one reason. the pain. i'm concerned about being in shocked and completely taken aback from the feeling of contractions and labor. the fear of it, i know, stunts the belief in my ability. plenty of times i was scared to the point where i could not imagine doing the things i ended up mastering. being a waitress really freaked me out i never thought i'd be one. within 6 months i had unlimited tables in busy sections. point is the last thing that should stop me is fear.
anyway i've been to write down a few recaps on the first half of my pregnancy.
walk. even when you think you're exhausted it's rejuvenating
cheddar cheese. o boy when i would wake up with my stomach growling in the middle of the night this was/is my go to snack
by the 17th week i finally stopped vomiting... took long enough.
slowly but surely around the corner of my 20th week i'm start to feel more frequent, obvious flutters.
there were moment, intimate moments, where i did bleed.
almost always there is blood when i blow my nose but no bloody noses (it worsens when it's cold)
speaking of cold i cannot think of a better time to be pregnant.. scarves, gloves and hat make me overheat.
new years day i was ttthhhiiisss close to fainting which really freaked me out. i was overheating at the mall (hat wearing) and did not eat enough before i left the house.
the innie to outtie tranformation is something i forgot happens. i'm really getting to know my belly button.
so when finally the vom subsides the heartburn kicks in. seems as long as i don't order out it doesn't happen but i certainly carry around a tube of tums
my ankles look swollen :-\
other than the new years fiasco he's been really good to me, staying low in the belly which i truly appreciate. he's such a champ really making his way to life.
the innie to outtie tranformation is something i forgot happens. i'm really getting to know my belly button.
so when finally the vom subsides the heartburn kicks in. seems as long as i don't order out it doesn't happen but i certainly carry around a tube of tums
my ankles look swollen :-\
other than the new years fiasco he's been really good to me, staying low in the belly which i truly appreciate. he's such a champ really making his way to life.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Wyatt
my sister said whether it be a boy or girl the name should be Wyatt.
yesterday we spent three hours at the pulmonary doctor's office. pretty sure my mother made brooke (my sister) come along as her representative and, most of all, to interpret the results to her. by the second hour waiting for the doctor my sister was at her wits end. he finally came into the room and started off speaking to me about where he grew up in brooklyn, nosy about my professional life and that's when we knew why it took so long. so when he tried to chat it up with her she was on the edge of tears just asking him to focus on why we're here. it was kind of embarrassing to have her weaken with glossy eyes.. i think being a fiery bitch would've been the better approach.
so with a few little tests and questions he decided i clearly have a mild form of cystic fibrosis but would still consider me high risk as a precaution. i hugged my sister and thanked her a few times because i know it was the last thing she wanted to do.
by the time i got home my mother crept downstairs to speak to me anyways. i told her everything i knew and she mentioned getting the flu shot.. so did the pulmonary doctor. with my condition plus carrying a baby it's ultra important to stop any sort of virus before it starts. i was hesitant because after seeing FREE FLU SHOT at every pharmacy i saw the whole epidemic as a conspiracy.
the next day (today) was the day i was to have a high risk consultation and find out the gender of my child once and for all. to say i was excited is an understatement. it was seeping into my dreams and keeping me occupy from being nervous about further details of my genetic disorder.
before i could get out of bed my mother is trying to get in my room to tell me once again to get the flu shot. to have her be the last thing i hear in the night and the first thing i hear in the morning bothers me tremendously. it's funny to say that as a soon to be mom but at the same time that justifies why it's aggravating. i'm grown. the reason i'm going to all these doctors and doing the right thing has nothing to do with her influence. it was something i was doing before she knew so for her to boss me around makes me feel like she's trying to keep me in the nest.
i waited nearly two hours to finally be called in for a sonogram. it was silly because as the lady was explaining it may be too early for me to find out the gender as soon as he popped up on screen it was as clear as a cloudless day. HE ( ;-))))) moves around so much to the point we couldn't get a clear shot of his profile but we certainly could see his junk. as we were debating which images to print i was gonna ask for the boyhood one but i didn't want to be crude. she said an active baby is a sign of a healthy one. i'm once again reminded of how bless i am to be incubating a healthy boy.
then the high risk counselor came in and he was confused. wait... you're here to see me but you have cystic fibrosis? are you sure you're not here to see the genetic counselor again? i suggested him to speak to her about my blood work and get back to me. three minutes later he took me into his office. i got the hunch this is not the case very often and brought it up. he told me it certainly is rare and very fortunate. on top of that it's even more fortunate the father is not even a carrier even though one in every 25 people are. he was somewhat hesitant to even consider me high risk and to see him as i go along with getting bigger, getting a breathing test done and during allergy season. he also suggested i get the flu shot today and so i did.
i kept my mother posted of everything as i went. so when i was finally home to digest everything in my own space she comes creeping while i'm in the bathroom (as usual) asking me how my blood work went. nobody said i had any blood taken. this is what bothers me the most about her. she'll bring up something that is far fetch from what i was telling her about what when on. it's like what's the point in keeping you posted when you bring up something i never ever mentioned happening that day. even if i try to tell her what happened she brings up something that didn't and i just asked her to leave me alone. she's like o give me a break and i was like yeah... that is exactly what i need. a break. i reminded her i am the one having a child, not her. whatever disadvantages i have is what she and my father gave me and sometimes i want to process the results or just relax before having to repeat myself over and over again. then i think if i was in my own place i could be more in charge of who i tell what and when. basically i don't want to be treated like a baby since i am having one of my own.
regardless, this baby gave me no choice but to realize how blessed i am. some people find god, search for god, wonder where god is, needing something to believe in and this journey made me realize the holy spirit has always been with me, taking care of me for the good of my future and my child. i will never reach my quota of reminding myself how blessed i am to still be able to live a long life even though the odds were against me. i realize the added blessing this surprise is because it happen with a man that could not have been any better to reproduce with to have the healthiest of kids. the lord has always been with me and it is wonderful to realize all over again during such an amazing and new time in my life.
yesterday we spent three hours at the pulmonary doctor's office. pretty sure my mother made brooke (my sister) come along as her representative and, most of all, to interpret the results to her. by the second hour waiting for the doctor my sister was at her wits end. he finally came into the room and started off speaking to me about where he grew up in brooklyn, nosy about my professional life and that's when we knew why it took so long. so when he tried to chat it up with her she was on the edge of tears just asking him to focus on why we're here. it was kind of embarrassing to have her weaken with glossy eyes.. i think being a fiery bitch would've been the better approach.
so with a few little tests and questions he decided i clearly have a mild form of cystic fibrosis but would still consider me high risk as a precaution. i hugged my sister and thanked her a few times because i know it was the last thing she wanted to do.
by the time i got home my mother crept downstairs to speak to me anyways. i told her everything i knew and she mentioned getting the flu shot.. so did the pulmonary doctor. with my condition plus carrying a baby it's ultra important to stop any sort of virus before it starts. i was hesitant because after seeing FREE FLU SHOT at every pharmacy i saw the whole epidemic as a conspiracy.
the next day (today) was the day i was to have a high risk consultation and find out the gender of my child once and for all. to say i was excited is an understatement. it was seeping into my dreams and keeping me occupy from being nervous about further details of my genetic disorder.
before i could get out of bed my mother is trying to get in my room to tell me once again to get the flu shot. to have her be the last thing i hear in the night and the first thing i hear in the morning bothers me tremendously. it's funny to say that as a soon to be mom but at the same time that justifies why it's aggravating. i'm grown. the reason i'm going to all these doctors and doing the right thing has nothing to do with her influence. it was something i was doing before she knew so for her to boss me around makes me feel like she's trying to keep me in the nest.
i waited nearly two hours to finally be called in for a sonogram. it was silly because as the lady was explaining it may be too early for me to find out the gender as soon as he popped up on screen it was as clear as a cloudless day. HE ( ;-))))) moves around so much to the point we couldn't get a clear shot of his profile but we certainly could see his junk. as we were debating which images to print i was gonna ask for the boyhood one but i didn't want to be crude. she said an active baby is a sign of a healthy one. i'm once again reminded of how bless i am to be incubating a healthy boy.
then the high risk counselor came in and he was confused. wait... you're here to see me but you have cystic fibrosis? are you sure you're not here to see the genetic counselor again? i suggested him to speak to her about my blood work and get back to me. three minutes later he took me into his office. i got the hunch this is not the case very often and brought it up. he told me it certainly is rare and very fortunate. on top of that it's even more fortunate the father is not even a carrier even though one in every 25 people are. he was somewhat hesitant to even consider me high risk and to see him as i go along with getting bigger, getting a breathing test done and during allergy season. he also suggested i get the flu shot today and so i did.
i kept my mother posted of everything as i went. so when i was finally home to digest everything in my own space she comes creeping while i'm in the bathroom (as usual) asking me how my blood work went. nobody said i had any blood taken. this is what bothers me the most about her. she'll bring up something that is far fetch from what i was telling her about what when on. it's like what's the point in keeping you posted when you bring up something i never ever mentioned happening that day. even if i try to tell her what happened she brings up something that didn't and i just asked her to leave me alone. she's like o give me a break and i was like yeah... that is exactly what i need. a break. i reminded her i am the one having a child, not her. whatever disadvantages i have is what she and my father gave me and sometimes i want to process the results or just relax before having to repeat myself over and over again. then i think if i was in my own place i could be more in charge of who i tell what and when. basically i don't want to be treated like a baby since i am having one of my own.
regardless, this baby gave me no choice but to realize how blessed i am. some people find god, search for god, wonder where god is, needing something to believe in and this journey made me realize the holy spirit has always been with me, taking care of me for the good of my future and my child. i will never reach my quota of reminding myself how blessed i am to still be able to live a long life even though the odds were against me. i realize the added blessing this surprise is because it happen with a man that could not have been any better to reproduce with to have the healthiest of kids. the lord has always been with me and it is wonderful to realize all over again during such an amazing and new time in my life.
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